"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
I think not."
"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel
does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."